Beyond the smoke

Through the white fog of desire
created by the individuals who
tread before us past the membrane
into the vacuum of hope
of a life beyond our understanding
stand we
hopeful yet weak
unable to touch the clear nether
of satisfaction
of peace
of understanding
yet we move forward
without thought or relapse
into the clouded future
one step at a time
time that steps ahead of us
and the corollary that attracts
the wild and the vagabond
into fighting the unreal
declaring war on the illusion
 and a battle that cannot be won
not now, not ever
not till we can see through the smoke
live beyond it
dream through it
forever questioning the answer
and never answering the question
if the question were so simple
or the answer real
even the smallest of beings
could recognize and understand
to survive, to breed, to multiply
the most base of instincts
should that be all there is
to this existence we call ours?

A Day Too Short

Haven't written anything in a long time, well, a poem too short for a day too short.

A Day Too Short

Will the sun cry tonight,
When his lover is out of sight,
When darkness takes over,
Will he fight the endless fight?

He knows she’s all alone,
Far brothers her only sight,
Will she last the night,
With him not by her side?

And come the time again,
For him to hold her tight,
A day too short, O Gods be wroth,
He prays till night is past.

Francis Myladoor Thomas

Will You Be There ?

Hold Me
Like The River Jordan
And I Will Then Say To Thee
You Are My Friend

Carry Me
Like You Are My Brother
Love Me Like A Mother
Would You Be There?

Weary
Tell Me Will You Hold Me
When Wrong, Will You Scold Me
When Lost Will You Find Me?

But They Told Me
A Man Should Be Faithful
And Walk When Not Able
And Fight Till The End
But I'm Only Human

Everyone's Taking Control Of Me
Seems That The World's
Got A Role For Me
I'm So Confused
Will You Show To Me
You'll Be There For Me
And Care Enough To Bear Me
I'm Only Human

-Michael Jackson

Friendship, or what todays world understands of it, or what I understand todays world understands of it, is a matter of convenience. A case where a mutual benefit can be achieved through it. I was , unfortunately one of the few who read about friendship before experiencing it. And books as they tend to be, gave a very deep and profound meaning to friendship. Like the ones in movies. Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas. Friendship in books tend to be idealistic. Like love. Infact a lot like love. A lover as those writers saw it, was a friend with benefits. And I mean the idealistic kind of friend, not the friends with benefits as the term is used today. Why I suddenly talk about friendship is beyond the scope of this blog. Well, anything I say on this blog tends to inherit the term suddenly as I barely blog anything in the first place. But I guess it's just one of those days when I need to write something to get it out of my system.

Who is a friend? Facebook says I have 600 something friends. I wish. Well, I don't wish. Why would anyone want 600 friends at the same time? It's like having 600 wives at the same time, which is something only King Akbar could have pulled off. I am no King Akbar. And when I asked myself who a friend is, the first thing that came to my mind was the Michael Jackson song. I remember I heard this song for the first time soon after MJ's death and I loved it. As days and years passed by, I forgot the name of the song. Till I saw one of my status' on Facebook. And as I heard the song once more I realised why I liked the song so much. It reminded me of those friendships from the books I read.

It's troubling the way the word friend is used today. It shows a lack of belief in the idea of a friend. I believe you can't have more than one friend. And one friend itself is a blessing. And with all those cheesy quotes about friendship that people keep repeating and quoting, it gets a little annoying to be me. Or, maybe I just don't know who my friends are. Absolute ignorance is probably a good reason. But then whoever said 'Ignorance is Bliss' got it all wrong. And like I reduced love to Francis Bacon's Of Love, I guess friendship can be reduced to selfish human behaviour as described by Mark Twain in his 'What is Man?'. And for that very reason I believe I'm not ready to give up on it. I will hold on to my ideal friend as I hold on to my ideal lover. No harm done.

To be betrayed by a friend is like being stabbed in the heart with a flaming sword, it hurts and burns at the same time. But then you can ask yourself many questions before it starts to hurt. I'm not going all emo, I'm just going to analyse it. And it's not like the whole world reads this, hence it doesn't matter. Feeling betrayed and being betrayed are probably two different things. And most of the time it's the former thats occured. Feeling betrayed. How do you feel betrayed? When you expected something from someone and did not get it. When your feelings for him/her weren't reciprocal. When you don't show that you expect something from them which inturn they intepret as you not being close enough. Some people feel that unless they are expected to do something, they really aren't close enough. Without expectations on you, there isn't any effort for you, and without effort there may not be any attachment. Probably why opposites attract. The amount of effort put in this case is way higher than those in other cases. Now, actually being betrayed. This is obviously not possible under the idealistic characteristics of a friend and hence this doesn't come into play.

A friend to me, is someone who will be there for you, someone you want to be there for like he/she is yourself. Through thick or thin, through the endless pain and struggles, you will be together. No matter what. No matter how. And this is probably a line of ideas that creeped into my brain as I was reading thats talking. But I believe. I believe and will go to sleep with hope. However minuscule that hope might be.

As far as betrayal or what seems like betrayal goes. Mario Puzo through Vito Corleone once said : 'It's not personal. It's just good business'. And through Michael Corleone he corrects it : 'It's ALWAYS personal'. And it is, no matter what, ALWAYS personal.

Don't mind the incoherence of thoughts/ideas or probable grammar mistakes. I need some sleep and I don't really feel like proof reading/editing it. It's just thoughts flowing into words with no restrictions kept on the content.

Statusing down Memory Lane - 2009

Random Ramblings

Isn't liking your own status' a wee bit on the attention seeking weirdo side? I mean, if you din't like it, it wouldn't be your status would it? Or are you telling people "I think I'm very smart, Ï'm sure you'll agree".August 4, 2009 at 8:14pm

Obsessive Compulsive Profile Pic Changer.August 8, 2009 at 10:50pm

If I had an "All My Friends" photo, it would have all my friends who don't have an "All My Friends"" photo. Annoying little tagging machine.September 16, 2009 at 2:01pm

To all the people I stalk on facebook; please stop being inactive. My daily schedule is getting all messed up !October 5, 2009 at 2:08pm

Apparently there's an excess of beautiful women in the world, or atleast shaadi.com and some weirdo russian site keeps telling me that on fb. I wonder why I don't see them outside? Is there a place where these websites hide them and they show them only if we join?December 13, 2009 at 11:07pm

So how does this Santa's list work? If I've been a wicked boy all year do I get a wicked gift? One bottle of Absinthe and Megan Fox dressed as the green fairy please !December 24, 2009 at 3:34am

Sports

If Roddick saves anymore break points, I'm gonna hang myself !July 5, 2009 at 10:47pm

Someone up there likes me and wants me to live. ALL HAIL KING FEDERER ! Well done Roddick, you nearly killed me.July 5, 2009 at 11:08pm

Ferguson should have shoved a boot up Ronaldo's mouth as well. He's talking like he's worth a hundred million. O crap! He is.July 6, 2009 at 6:13am

Off the grapevine, Manchester City readying a $20m bid for the Liverpool Beach Ball.October 19, 2009 at 3:29pm

Beckham at Old Trafford. Somebody make sure Ferguson doesn't have a spare boot to throw !December 19, 2009 at 5:44am

Beckham vs United. Murinho vs Chelsea. Benzema vs Lyon. Guess the hat's been kind to the recesion struck sports writers !December 19, 2009 at 5:49am


Micheal Jackson Passes Away

can't get Will You Be There-MJ, outta his head.July 9, 2009 at 4:36am

Hold me ..... like the river jordan.... <3July 10, 2009 at 1:45am

NITK

Here at NITK there is only one REAL question : Have you been high today?July 21, 2009 at 8:35am

If the Garden of Eden was in Surathkal, we would have studied how Satan in the form of a Mosquito tempted Eve. Those blood sucking, vile, parasitic servants of the Devil.July 22, 2009 at 3:05am

24/7 Trance at room 44....Join Da Beat....July 26, 2009 at 3:04am

Some people exist just to rape your happiness.July 27, 2009 at 1:40am

is as broke as a light bulb run over by a bulldozer.August 8, 2009 at 8:30pm

Murphy's NITK law : The only clean toilet will not have water and the only bathroom with water will not have a lock.August 10, 2009 at 3:11pm

" Net"-less in Surathkal.August 27, 2009 at 2:43am

NO LONGER NET-LESS ! UP TOP BROS !August 31, 2009 at 1:21pm

Midsems. Bah. Humbug.September 12, 2009 at 8:33pm

is as caffeinated as a chipmunk on a crate of Redbull.November 14, 2009 at 4:16am

And all the coffee in Brazil cannot save you if you've taken up Electrical at NITK.November 18, 2009 at 7:05pm

Holy shit, I've an exam today?November 16, 2009 at 10:33am

The Written

With an empty screen in front of me,
A mountain of thought inside of me,
A will that tries to move me,
A feeling that something beholds me.

Words that mean so much,
Yet words that do not affect,
Words that seek to change,
Words that achieve but praise.

Write but still I will,
Pray that hearts they fill,
For rely must I on skill,
If man may never kill.

But who will hear my cry,
Who will change their ways,
Who will think anew,
Who will heed my word?

The written that be read,
And stay not in man's head,
Is but like common bread,
Is eaten and then now shed.

Nay it should be like wine,
Should quicken the man's heart,
Should free him of his wretched humanity,
Should make him forget both day and night.

Tell him what he dare not think,
Caress his heart, ripen it, till the brink,
Fill his soul, free the link,
Freshen his body, let him not sink.

Let him be, not man, but chimp,
Let him think, not caged, but free,
Let him hope, not gold, but grace,
Let him feel, not pain, but love.

Empty screens don't stay that way,
Not when I can have my say,
Read but to mould your clay,
For else, heavy, is the price we pay.

Francis Thomas
29/06/09

Cupid's Curse

Love. Love. Love?

What is Love? Can we define love? I wonder what Oxford calls love. Bah, don't have a dictionary around me and oxford seems to be charging a fee for searching through their online dictionary. Anyway, I've lost love. Not "my"love, but love. I don't understand love and don't know love. I thought I knew love, well, it was all fairy tale like, until, obviously, realised that she din't see me in that light, or for that matter din't see me in any light at all. Well, I used to believe in true love till about that point, well, the point where I realised about the way she thinks of  me. Anyway, thats enough about me. Lets just talk on the general point of love. 

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/love

There's a definition for a love through that link. Going by the technical definition, love isn't that magical feeling or whatever else its hyped to be. Damn. I've wanted that. Real bad. I'm going to be highly incoherent as I'm just putting down whatever is going through my head so bear with me. This, well, to an imaginary audience, as uptil this point, there's not been a single person who has read this blog. 

Anyway, coming back to love. The question I really want to ask is, how do you know when your in love? The hollywood answer would be "you just know", but then we all know that's just something made up by some guy with a long beard and a terrible childhood. Well, thats just me generalising, so if any of you scriptwriters are reading this, don't take it personal. Or, the scriptwriters themselves know what bullcrap they are writing, but continue writing it simply because they know the audience loves it. Well, let me change that "loves" to "likes". I'm going to stop using love in such a liberal manner. Love is used way too liberally for my liking. There's too much "love" being said. I "love" you, I "love" pizza, I "love" Metallica. Will I take my life for pizza? Am I ready to sacrifice myself for Metallica?Bah, "love" is used way too liberally. Back to what I was talking about, the audience, the general public, well not all of them, most of them, including me for a while, and maybe still, wants to believe in that magical feeling called love. Gah, love's got me all confused. 

So, what is love? No sir don't know the answer. The bible has an answer:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:1-13)

There it is. Umm...Well, it sounds a bit too perfect. A bit too hollywoody. If love was like this, I wish I was in love. Do we, love, consciously. Is love, a feeling ? An emotion? Or is it a verb?

Is it by choice? Or by default. I wonder if Bacon has written about love. Maybe something titled Of Love? Well, if the bible definition of love, is what love really is; and I'm not a very relegious person, just remembered there was something in the bible like this about love, so googled and found it; then, I'm not really sure I've ever loved anyone. Ha, I'm probably on a "Highway To Hell" then, if there is hell, well, I'll reserve that topic for another time. So, there you go, I've never loved anyone. Never! Now, I'm not a hate mongering sob, and I'm pretty sure I don't sound like one, but I'm just trying to understand love here. 

Ha, Francis Bacon has written an essay called "Of Love". Google is the 8th wonder of the world. It's available at http://classiclit.about.com/library/bl-etexts/fbacon/bl-fbacon-lov.htm. 

Finally. Love looked at objectively. Love, as a term. As a weakness. But does Bacon refer to what we term "love"or is it a definition of love? It's definitely not a definition of love. It's probably just an observation of the effect of love in man. It also covers what one could call "superficial love". An extremity of "like" due to beauty, intelligence or whatever else one appreciates. 

So, I'm back to square one. At the beginning of this post, I believed, that at some point, during my rambling, if I found a meaning, had an epiphany, I would have made use of the time I spent. I haven't achieved anything, I have probably wasted my time. But I know now, that whatever I do, how much ever I try thinking, I will not be able to find a satsifactory definition of love. Or what I believe is love. If love, at the end of it all, is just a word, a term created to lure men, I would feel terribly cheated. Cheated off my time, a moment of my life and off hope. If any of you, reading this, if anyone ever does read this that is, has found the answer, the meaning, please do inform me. I'd be ever in your debt.

And then there were two...

The second post. Finally. As I said earlier, one post at a time. Or was that one blog at a time? Oops. I meant one post at a time. Damn. 

So here I am, on my bed again. It's lunch break, have an hour before I go for Math class. Sneaked a a late breakfast thanks to a Chem Laboratory hour being cancelled for reasons plainly above me. 

Ah, let me tell you a bit about myself. I'm a undergrad student, freshman year,  studying in a, well,  above average government funded college in Surathkal, Karnataka, India. I've lived in Dubai, United Arab Emirates for a period of 11 years, former to which I was in Kerala, India, where I am originally from. Oh, and I'm 18 years old. Yes, yes, just broke the barrier a month ago, hoping that it wouldnt be over rated. My 18th wasn't something one would expect of a 18th, but then again, being in college for 15 days, my expectations weren't that high. Friends I had just met, bought me a cake at midnight accompanied by gpl(my hindi isn't that good, literal translation would be stick on your ass). Had dinner in a restaurant in one of the fanciest or most probably the fanciest hotel in Mangalore. Topped it off with a visit to a bar. Had a sip of vodka, anything more there would've burnt a hole through my wallet. When we left it was about 10:30 and we had missed the last bus back to college. This left us the option of taking an auto rickshaw back to the hostel or spending the night in Mangalore. One of our friends claimed he had a house around the corner, however he did not have the keys to the house. After jumping the gate, we spent the night on his patio, while it rained all around us. 

So ther you go, you know how my 18th went. Well, thats a lot more than I know of you, so, if you remember what you did on your 18th, feel free to leave it as a comment. 

P.S. Ah, you might be wondering where the "average intellectual" part fits in. I'm not sure. Not sure at all. Hopefully, I'll start writing up those random thoughts that pop up in my head. If I'm on my bed at that point that is.